Who said it a shame stupidity isn painful

Embarrassment is ubiquitous in human social life, and it unfolds before us all the time. A woman stumbles as she enters a restaurant. Immediately, her face visibly reddens, and a goofy grin appears. Inwardly, she experiences an intensely unpleasant state of mind for what strikes her as an eternity. But soon she takes her seat, her facial color returns to normal, and life goes on. Figure 1. Embarrassment is practically universal among people, yet the evolutionary roots of this emotion are not obvious.

Most likely it developed to support social cohesion in group living by easing tensions when a person violates a social norm. Today, however, although it undoubtedly still serves that purpose, embarrassment can also have a downside.

People often engage in irrational, risky behaviors in order to reduce the likelihood of embarrassment. They may fail to come to the aid of others, avoid medical examinations and tests, or practice dangerous sexual behavior. The young woman in this photograph demonstrates gestures typical of embarrassment: an averted, lowered gaze and her hand to her face. Commonplace though such occurrences may be, the inner and outer events that unfolded in the restaurant are a puzzling and distinctive aspect of human nature, and recent research discloses that the emotions involved frequently have consequences that are far from trivial.

In medical settings, embarrassment may even be a matter of life and death. What triggers the experience of embarrassment? In exploring the nature of emotion over the centuries, philosophers and psychologists have mostly come to agree that the triggers for particular emotions are usually not events that can be described in purely objective terms.

Rather, what normally triggers an emotion is, in the jargon of emotion researchers, a cognitive appraisal. This refers to a belief that certain conditions hold in the world. One kind of mental state an emotion is triggered by another kind a belief.

Writing in the s, the late psychologist Magda Arnold was one of the first to advocate this point, suggesting that emotions arise from an assessment usually unconscious of the significance of an event.

Figure 2. Nonverbal displays of embarrassment follow a typical progression. Not every embarrassed person will exhibit all of these characteristics, but the timing of those that are displayed tend to emerge in a sequence.

The embarrassed person first looks downward and then may attempt to control a smile, which may nonetheless prevail. Following that, he is likely to turn his head away and avert his gaze.

Illustration adapted from Keltner by Tom Dunne. Why such a complex formulation? Must we pile mental events upon other mental events?

To see why this has struck most theorists as unavoidable, it is useful to start with a simpler, and not necessarily social, emotion: fear. At first glance, one might assume that fear is simply how people respond to danger—fire, guns, lions and so forth. However, pause to consider a lion tamer who—while at work with a lion in a cage—just so happens to overhear a passing circus patron mention to another patron that he just read that the circus is going bankrupt. If the lion tamer experiences fear, what does the fear relate to?

Not the lion, most likely, but rather the overheard conversation. The conversation, not the lion, has triggered in the trainer's mind the recognition that his vital interests are in peril. Of course, it has had no such effect on the patrons—or the lion. One cannot make any finite list of the events that might cause a person to feel fear. The list would have no end, and it would depend on a complex web of beliefs and desires. What all the different states of the world that lead people to experience fear have in common is that they all trigger the perception that their well-being is threatened.

No simpler or more "objective" theory will possibly work. So, what appraisals trigger embarrassment? Over the years, several investigators have tried to answer this question. Two prominent accounts have emerged. The social evaluation model, championed by Rowland S. Miller at Sam Houston State University and others, seems closest to ordinary intuition. According to this account, what lies at the root of embarrassment is the anticipation of negative evaluation by others.

In short, we become embarrassed when we perceive that the social image we want to project has been undermined and that others are forming negative impressions of us. There is no doubt that many situations seem to fit this account quite well.

It seems not to provide a complete story, however. For example, most people feel embarrassed when their friends sing "Happy Birthday to You" to them in a restaurant. Here, others' attentions are entirely positive and do not reflect negatively on the self in any way. So why feel embarrassed? The late John Sabini of the University of Pennsylvania and his colleagues proposed that embarrassment is likely to arise when a person anticipates a disruption of smooth social interaction and faces a situation without a clear sense of the social expectations governing behavior.

According to the awkward-interaction or dramaturgic account, it is not that the person is worried about making a bad impression per se, but rather that he or she does not know what to do next. A variety of examples seem to fit this account. For example, Sabini notes, people invariably say that they would feel embarrassed to have to remind a friend of a debt that the friend had failed to repay.

The negative evaluations would seem to apply only to the friend, not the self. Another example is receiving lavish compliments on your appearance. How do you respond? Do you give the person a compliment back? Tell her that you know you look great? According to the dramaturgic account, it is the uncertainty of not knowing how to proceed that gives rise to embarrassment in such cases.

Recent research suggests that a single theory probably is not adequate to account for all incidents of embarrassment and that there are at least two, and perhaps three, somewhat distinct subtypes of embarrassment. Sabini and colleagues had subjects rate how embarrassing they would find various situations. Factor analysis a statistical technique for identifying how different variables are related revealed three subtypes of embarrassing situations, which the authors referred to as faux-pas, center-of-attention and sticky-situation embarrassment.

An example of one of their faux-pas scenarios was: five minutes after walking out of the bathroom at a museum, while you are with other people, a security guard calls out to you that your skirt is hitched up in the back.

Being the guest of honor at a surprise party would be an example of a center-of-attention scenario. Sticky situations include cases such as the debt-repayment scenario described above.

Interestingly, people who reported the greatest amount of embarrassment over one type of situation were not necessarily the ones who reported the greatest embarrassment over the other two types of situations. Furthermore, different personality traits were correlated with different subtypes of embarrassment. For example, low self-esteem seems most highly correlated with embarrassment over a faux pas. When does embarrassment first emerge? The common description of embarrassment as a self-conscious emotion gives us a hint.

One necessary cognitive precursor appears to be having clear knowledge of oneself. As described by Michael Lewis in the January-February American Scientist, embarrassment does not seem to develop until a child has shown the ability to recognize that the figure in the mirror is her- or himself. This normally occurs between about 15 and 24 months of life, much later than the emergence of other emotions such as anger, fear and even jealousy.

The first discernible cases of embarrassment in young children seem to fit more closely with the awkward-interaction model. For example, being intensely complimented will readily embarrass many toddlers. However, by three years of age, youngsters are doomed to feel embarrassment when they don't meet the expectations of others.

Naturally, most of us would prefer others not to form negative evaluations of us. We would also prefer all of our social interactions to proceed smoothly. We don't want to offend our bosses, look like oafs to our friends or be too open with our bodily functions in front of prospective mates. In modern life, it is easy to imagine why. We might lose our next promotion, be excluded by our friends or be rejected by a potential mate. Although these examples are modern, it seems likely that our ancestors faced entirely analogous threats throughout our evolutionary history, with potential dangers even more stark than the risks modern humans often face.

Group living presumably affords many potential benefits over living alone, yet it requires harmonizing different individuals' behaviors in a wide variety of ways. In the view of a number of theorists, embarrassment evolved to help undo the damage in situations where a person has unintentionally violated a social norm. The basic premise is that those who experienced and expressed distress over concerns with others' impressions of them were more likely to survive as reproductive members of the group than those who acted with disregard for others' opinions.

Not caring about others' reactions might have led one to be ostracized or banished, perhaps even killed. Embarrassment seems likely to serve three basic functions. First, it serves as an appeasement gesture to others by signaling that the violation was unintended and that it will not likely be repeated. Second, the intense dread of experiencing this emotion likely deters us from repeating whatever behaviors triggered the state. Thus, embarrassment is seen as a social counterpart to physical pain.

Just as physical pain alerts us to threats to our physical well-being, embarrassment alerts us to threats to our social well-being possible rebuke and rejection. Third, embarrassment motivates us to undo the social damage and restore the esteem of others.

As we will see, several studies bolster these functional accounts. Does displaying embarrassment really have a positive effect on others? To answer this, several studies have used a variety of clever methods for eliciting embarrassment. In an experiment reminiscent of a Fawlty Towers episode, Gun R. Manstead, at Cardiff University, created four versions of a video where a man accidentally knocks over a five-foot-high display of toilet paper in a grocery store.

The man then displays embarrassment or not and fixes the mess or not. Figure 3. On a scale of amusement to embarrassment, person 1 is most amused, and person 6 is most embarrassed. The facial touch shown by person 6 is also a common reaction to embarrassment. All of these gestures, along with blushing, are recognized by others as signals that one has become embarrassed.

Interestingly, however, blushing is evident to an observer before an embarrassed person is aware that he is blushing. Subjects watched the films and rated the man on various dimensions. The man who calmly rebuilt the display was judged the most "mature.

Other research suggests that children who show embarrassment after an accidental mishap are likely to be less severely punished by mothers, and that people who blush after committing a faux pas are viewed as more trustworthy than those who do not.

Blushing doesn't always get someone off the hook though. One important precondition for blushing to serve as appeasement is that one must be seen as not having intended the act or as truly sorry for one's behavior. This was demonstrated in a study by Peter J. Pairs of female undergraduates played a repeated-trial prisoner's-dilemma game. The way the game works is that on each trial, a person has the option of cooperating or defecting.

Figure 4. When an embarrassed person smiles, she usually does not active the orbicularis oculi, a muscle group that crinkles the skin around the eyes. Only the zygomatic major activates. The timing of facial movements also differs between humor and embarrassment smiles.

In the humor amusement smile, the gaze remains straight until the smile begins to dissipate, whereas an embarrassed person averts her gaze very early in the smile. The game was made particularly interesting by recruiting subjects who endorsed highly prosocial and cooperative values, and telling them that they were being given an objective test of moral behavior. To ensure defection, the researchers instructed one subject to defect on a particular trial, unbeknownst to her partner.

In complying, the defectors often blushed. Interestingly, those who blushed more intensely were judged less trustworthy. The authors suggest that the negative effect of blushing in this instance might be due to the partner taking it as a signal of a willful intentional violation of moral code. Several features of the situation seem to influence the effect that displays of embarrassment have on others. These include the severity of the misbehavior, whether the act harms the observer or some third party, and whether such behavior is perceived as an unusual occurrence or indicative of a more lasting personal defect.

Ive been dating a wonderful lady for nine months now. When we started dating, i was a broken man. I had been destroyed by my last breakup as it was my first love. Then the very person that broke up with me acted as if nothing ever happened and tried being friends with me. The blind fool that i was didnt see anything wrong with it.

I just thought everything was fine and dandy. Months later i would find out how broken of a relationship i was in. A couple weeks after my break up i met this amazing woman. She saw what was wrong with me and helped me. She made me happy. But still, my ex was like a leech that sucked all good thoughts from me. I was brainwashed. I did anything for the very person that broke me.

I was being slowly put back together by to different people that have different instruction books. However i was still being leeched. I was jappier than ever… but was still being manipulated like a puppet. A month into dating… i made a mistake. I was messaging my ex and… dirty comments were sent to eachother. Present me i look back at it and i do not have a reason for why i did it. Guilt has been killing me since. My wonderful baby girl. I back stabbed you. And you dont even know.

I do love you. And i would never do it again. I will tell you. You need to know that theman you love did this to you. If you leave… Then thats my fault. Ill make sure you live a life equal to royalty. I do truly love you. And i was a blind man who lost his touch. But my eyes have been fixed and i can now feel again.

I love you baby. Just a guy. Sweetheart, your soul is very beautiful, just reading this made me tear up. I hope you see this and I hope you have forgiven yourself. You really love this girl and I do believe you will give her everything of this world. Your intentions of telling her the truth just tells me that u think of her highly. You may not know who I am, But I Love you because you are a Human, a child of God and a person who wants to leave this world without leaving lives in sorrow.

I hope you also treat people with mercy and lead with understanding. My guilt is the same and the shame remains. I have never been able to keep a job and im 56 years old now. I didnt provide a stable life for my children or work for a living. I did earn a Masters degree, but still unemployed.

I grieve over the lost time and ability to perform in a work environment. My children have failed to thrive and abused drugs. I feel their childhood is part of the blame. May God have mercy on me for my extreme shortcomings and may i contribute somehow, someway, someday to the glory of God in Jesus name amen.

God forgive me. I screwed up at work, big time! I was supposed to hand my clients cash for an incentive for part of our program. I just pretended that I had. I promised God that if each of the clients gets their envelopes and nothing else comes of this, that I would do everything by the book from now on! I am in so much guilt and shame. In the last two years I had a good friendship that I feel I ruined due to my addictions at the time.

This friend of mine introduced me to drugs and when I joined him, the drugs took over my life. I felt horrible that my life was turning for the out worst.

I heard rumors that he told people I was into drugs while not mentioning that he introduced me to them. He turned his back away from me after I confronted him and now he hangs out with different people which gave me the anxiety of not knowing what he told them behind my back. I feel out of place and lonely and afraid to be in contact with anyone of them because I fear I will be rejected. Also, I recently broke up with my girlfriend after an emotional outburst that I regret doing.

I was depressed and seeing her happy without reaching out to me made me have suspicions that she was cheating on me. I feel so embarrassed by the actions I did which where telling her mom and aunty about the things I thought she did behind my back. I feel like I have been trying to run away from the past even though I have accepted it. The guilt and shame has made me anxious for a very long time now that my mental health is at its all time low.

I have nothing to do and I have a lack of interest in activities I once enjoyed. He denied it, so I let it go but it never went away it kept happening.

I finally got so upset and he was ignoring me. That I cheated. I felt horrible and instantly regretted. The last 2 years he has been greater than ever. He was always a great father but not the greatest husband.

But that has changed why does the guilt and shame bother me so bad when I have proof he did so much to me. How can it not bother him at all. I just hope this somehow helps me release some of my shame, and guilt. I was young and made a mistake. I accept the fact I did what I did to him. I know people will say this is doomed but never know unless u try 12 yrs and chugging. Yes Patrick and all friends going through guilt and shameby many, you are loved and not judged.

I am too. You and I and us, we are all equally deserving. I made a relationship with the one who was already in relation. So whenever she hurts I use to discussed this matter with my sincere circle. After few months their relation exposed. But She start blaming me that it was me who knew this and only I could shared this thing in my circle.

It hurts me. Hey u. I am paying the hard way…. These past few weeks i felt massive guilt for failing my responsibilities in a student project at my university. I feel guilty, like a failure and like a quitter, because i decided to leave the project and leave my team to fix my mistakes after completely burning out from it and other stressful things in my life.

I did something like this in the past. Ditched a good friend during an important project and for years, I could not understand why. But 20 years later, I have been going to therapy and found out I have anxiety. Think about potentially talking to someone. My friend. I accept weird things happen in my life but ur post is almost scarey. I have been consumed. Physically ill. No sleep. I consider myself receptive to others as well and i am not enjoying a milli second of any of it.

Things happend and before i knew it i felt it. I couldnt ignore the affect it was having. Notice ur course and do your best. Ty for reading… Thank YOU for posting so long ago…. Keep ur head up. A stranger cares. I have been feeling stressed and regrets about my past decision. I tried moving on after my first relationship that lasted 4 years but got disappointed before I even started..

I wish and pray can just forget and forgive myself. It hurts more than anyone will know. It has to be made right. I am in almost exact. I onow what i want to do but did you ever take action? As soon as i can i am going to get this poison outta me. I hope it worked for you. I tried to reply to you. If it does go or not i wanted to tell you i scarily understand your situation. I am personnally torn so i only imagine how others will feel. Try and communicate. Just typing here ckears things; hurts more but at least we know what we did.

Our conscious is yelling it at us. Ty for sharing. My step sister was sleeping in my bed with her legs on me, I touched her thigh nothing more. Im just a kid who was kinda curious. Help me please. I wanted to fit in. From lying about accomplishments in School.

Hobbies, and everything. I lied to friends, Family and my online Family. I used a lie to move across the world in , and I was Dumb and Naive. I was living with roommates and after a break in I fled back overseas. From there they spread lies about me, and emotionally scarred me. I lied. I lied a lot..

This pattern repeated years later on Facebook. I made up that I had my life together. I had three fake accounts. A friend. A sister and a GF. When everything fell apart, long story short. I lost a friend who I hurt with lies and what they saw as Manipulation and pathological lying.

Since then this has been on my mind almost every day. Hey Lucy A, We tend to get tempted for things so bizzare. I am currently 18, I have not lived very long. But i grown to understand from the wisdom of the elders that throughout life, you are going to hurt others and hurt yourself.

People keep quiet about there problems or try to play it off, but we have all done wrong. No one should ever be stationary with who they are. To avoid lying, the first step is making good habits.

Once you done that, you will find no need in lying to make someone like you more. When you lie, it turns into the boy who cried wolf. I wish I had of handled situations a lot better, but I was young, dumb, and still learning. I also need to learn to forgive my birth giver and her husband for my sake.

I was an unwanted child and they did shape me the wrong way for a very long time. I actually hated being alive when I was between the ages of 13 to I was a self-abuser in a few different ways including being promiscuous.

I was very careless in high school. I went down a dark road for a few years after that. I was being denied the rest of the truth and was told lie after lie. Two guys that cared about me, I hurt em really bad. I cheated on both of them. One with the other and vice versa. I was very very reckless.

I think of those two guys from time to time as well as my ex-best friend and I wish I could go back and fix it all. I just have to accept it for what it is, and move on. I have let go of quite a bit. It still bothers me to this day that I did what I did without an apology to any of them.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest. The urge to go back to it increases day by day. Things are not the way they should be and I feel like God is just punishing me for all those things. I need help on what to do. I want to be free. My classmate betrayed me beacause I appeared competetive when I was 12 years old. This classmate lives one block away from me I one time ran away from a fight.

It was because I watched Bruce lee. And I just tried to make fun of the other. So later I appeared as the runner and they took a video taping me.

I was having bad family situations. My mom was sick then now Im 22 at college with lots of social pressure im afraid of that video I visited the same person that did that. Hes the achiever type so he doesnt remember things he just care about destroying everybody in his way.

I got really high bechalor marks then a better engineering degree. Im afraid that competetion will happen again. I regret not taking risks, putting myself out there despite the skills,personality and confidence I have blessed with by the Almighty. I regret not being vice-head or vice president, I regret gettin bogged down by fear of what people may think if I put myself out there, I worried if every single person thought I was good enough for the position or not, but in reality no one cared, they think what you think, they believe what you project, as they say, perception is reality.

I gave half-hearted effort in evrything, my grades went down, I failed an exam, I probably went through a depressive phase, the whole year in fact was depressing, I quit trying all together. I dont want to do that again and I forgive myself for that, I know this has taught me how not to lead my life, I know now what gives me the most joy in life,not listening to what others have to say, doing what I truly love, the dopamine rush that I get when I speak infront of a crowd, going above and beyond to fulfil your responsibilities, I love chasing that feeling, gives me more joy than any sort of external validation, I think I have found my very motivation to clear my exams now and get into my dream college :.

I prayed the Lord to forgive myself for not doing exercises to improve my kyphosis and other physical issues when I was younger. I developed a tilt for sexual feelings and arousal from the early intermediate part between my childhood and adolescence. I used to think that doing sex with the person of opposite gender is of great fun and pleasure.

So, in when I was in 9th standard, one day in my tution I noticed that I was unknowingly resting my knee on the hips and thighs of a girl who used to sit infront and sideways of me rotation wise as it was the bench rule in the tutions.

We used to do that almost everytime in tutions. One day , after the school was over, she and I went to an empty place. I was all set to explore her breasts as she was the first girl with whom I exchanged sexual touch.

I think she was more ready than me everytime. Then one day I went to her home as she fixed a teacher for science. I knew that I am going towards ARTS for sure but still went for only one day as we had planned another thing and the tution was just a cover. That was over. Then she changed school as she had a different stream than I had.

I stayed in my previous school only. One day August, , she came to my school for some remaining official work. I left from school early that day, but she came behind of me and asked me that will we go again, I said okay.

Then she asked me give her a lip kiss, which I was not willing to because we were just casual friends and we somehow discovered our sexuality. Although I gave her 2 instead of one, but very very formal 0. After that, we lost contact or most accurately we wanted to lose contact because it was all based on mere sexual touches that happen in teens.

Meanwhile, in June , I found my love. We saw eachother back in early just before all this mess. I fell in love with her from the very first day without knowing that she also felt the same. But, as nothing was sure, there was a gap in knowing her feelings. So, I kept this loose for few months. In that time, I again met that girl in a restaurant.

That was it. Later that day, she texted me and we exchanged some naked photos of our genitals, she doing orgasm and a video of me masturbating. Now, this chapter is finished totally. Few months after that, I and my love came into a committed relationship and we are a happy couple now unmarried. Everything is going right. We are very much intimate in our love life.

We loved eachother and with her, I fulfilled my wish of giving my everything to her through the expression of our love our intimate moments. I know that there is nothing so much to think about that but I started to feel guilty and everything mentioned above because I felt that I did wrong and somewhere cheated my love.

I touched girls earlier when I was a primary class boy in playful way with their consent and also had homosex with my male friends in childhood. I just wanted to start with a clean slate and which I am very happy and satisfied also.

I love my baby so so so much. The only problem is that I feel guilty and ashamed of myself sometimes for doing those sexual acts with that girl and feel like I am bad which I know I m not but still…I want to forgive myself as somewhere I know that I am giving these thinkings to crop up by thinking too much about these…please help me to forgive myself totally and get out from all these out of the box thinkings and to enjoy each and every moment of this precious life…Thank you….

I am sorry for my flaws in the sentences. Please excuse those ones as English is not my first language.

Honest hun…. Sounds good to me. Im learning being straight forward works much better and more respectful than we initially think. I think its worth it but only you know for sure. I stumbled on this site and…idk….. Please try. Be honest always to them and yourself. Take time to organize thoughts and feelings because you may only get one chance to truly convey your feelings….. Kinda advice but the reality is i am almost fully speaking of personal..

No excuse… Things similar if not scarily exact to your post. Jus advice from an old guy…. I truly understand. In all ways. Psychlogically, physical, emotional….

It …i believe makes people not themselves. Not like an excuse because usually you wont notice till you exhibit other signs that cant be denied. I guess…. I know im just wotds but a real person wrote this and idk why but something about this entire link attracted me. I read. I got sick. I cried. I responded. I am not trolling; never. Especially if u r dealing with that inner stuff. I wish tou honesty, health, and happiness. Human to Human. Love and Respect. I was treated horrible from a person that I trusted and loved very much.

I have done and says horrible to him and I hate myself for doing it. Reading some of these comments help. Thank you. As a young child I grew in a house hold with an alcoholic father.

My mother did her best to provide for me and my sister. And to shield us from the things going on around us. My parents divorced when I was ten.

I longed to see him as he was not around much. This led to me trying to be like him. I starting using with him because I saw it as a way to spend time with him.

From that day on my life slowly, then quickly spiraled out of control I started skipping school. I ended up in the juvenile justice system.

It became my norm. I idolized criminal thinking and behavior. As time went on my crimes became more and more serious. I lost my self worth as well as the worth of others. And I got into heavier drugs.. All I did was steal and sell drugs. Eventually I had a child.

I thought this would change things for me. It did not. By this time and still I held and hold so much guilt that I feel worthless. I feel like or have a hard time embracing good things. When they come I self sabotage because of feeling worthless. When something falls apart so do I. I take it to the extreme and feel I deserve everything bad and for some reason feel I have to punish myself for my wrongs.

I am wanting to get past this so I can be happy. Be a real parent and a better person. I wants to let go but not give up on this current break up the with who im still in love with wont take me back due to my bad behavior of tell small white lies never cheated never physically hurt her.

I was physically abusive to my deceased partner. I was also trying to raise my daughter from a previous relationship.

I feel like a very bad person. It happens, physical and emotional abuse from a deceased addicted person. It was the disease you were angry with, not the person. I did the same thing. Even though I was attending Alanon, it was still hard for me to separate the disease from the person.

They were slowly dying and you wanted them to change. That helped me allot when I realized it was time for my only daughter to go back with God. She had enough of the pain of the addiction that I was so angry with and so wanted to stop You are not a bad person, you did the best you could with what you had in the moment. I also blamed myself for my granddaughters mental issues, whom I raised for a year when my daughter past away.

Addiction is cunning, and baffling. Remind yourself everyday. Learning to Love and not enable is something you can do attending Naranon — we cannot do it alone.

Hope this helps. Maybe it was a long family history of addiction that you enabled for some but labeled an incurable flaw in others! Maybe just a well kept family secret! Especially over your own daughter usually it is the other way around! I aborted my child. I did so because the father did not want a child. I knew it was wrong at the time and I still did it. All I had to do was say no, and throw the pills away.

Instead I killed my beautiful child. I live with this every day, it haunts me. I will be reminded every day they are not here until the day I die. I cheated on my boyfriend when we were in long distance relationship. I dated 5 people casually. I feel that I am a terrible, looser with no morals who doesnt care about other peoples feelings… I feared that my parents would never let me marry my boyfriend as he was unemployed at that time. I was young and had moments of weakness. The salary was low but to my suprise my parents had no issues with that and they said all that mattered was my happiness and they married me off with my long term boyfriend… Many times I gathered courage to tell him but could not thinking it would destroy him cause him so much pain…..

I have been the worst gf anyone could ask for but I am a good wife.. I regret doing those things in the past but I am not the same person I used to be… I would never be the old version of me ever again, I am disgusted by the old me… There have been times I have thought of causing myself hurt, the guilt is tremendous…… If someday he finds out, I am ready to face the music and get out of his life if he wants that however I just dont have the nerve to tell him coz I am a big coward……..

I really love my husband and always will till the end of time…. This is the first time I have tried to put my feelings out. My boyfriend and I took a break with hopes of getting back together in the future, but not knowing when that would happen. While we were apart, I tried to solve my problems with partying and drinking which led to casual hook ups even though I still wanted him. When we got back together, he told me he had not been with other people and wanted me to tell him everything that I had done.

He made me feel like I needed to, so I only told him the partial truth. Soon he found out more but forgave me and we tried to move forward.

He now sees me as a pathological liar. I have so much regret because I hurt the person that means the most with me. Our whole relationship is affected now because of me, and so is he as a person. How do I do that for myself? How can I be better?? Please tell me!! I need answers. Take baby steps and start by acknowledging what you believe you did in the past was wrong.

Before you open your mouth next time, just stop yourself and think for a moment of the hurt you may cause rather than criticise. People normally treat us based on the way we act, so you will see results when they start to flock around you with an aura of happiness when they communicate with you.

But as the memo above says, you need to forgive yourself first and let the past move on. Good luck. It would be more along the lines of feeling their feelings not blaming and shaming them for not being always in control of their emotions!

JS: Have you looked at any neurological studies at how shame looks in the brain? Having said that, there are some interesting studies around shame as social pain. Our brain registers the pain of shame exactly how it registers physical pain, which I think is fascinating. Moving toward shame is the people-pleasing way out. Moving against it means using shame and aggression to fight back—you shame me, I come back at you with something hurtful, painful, or shaming.

BB: Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Those are not authentic responses. But one of the byproducts of being able to move through shame constructively is that people who come out the other side by default feel braver, more connected and compassionate.

Can you explain how rumbling, which I think sounds like a positive concept, is distinct from rumination, which can be a sign of depression or other problems? Rumbling is really about reality-checking—having some critical awareness around the stories we make up, fact-finding, and getting curious around what we are feeling.

Unlike ruminating, rumbling requires a degree of mindfulness. I think of ruminating as not being mindful, because you are over-identifying with something or ignoring stuff. Most of us were not raised in families where we were encouraged to get curious about our emotions, ask a lot of questions, dig in, name things. JS: Do you have advice for people who grew up in families where emotions were ignored or downplayed? I could not have done this work without a really great therapist.

So, I think just starting small conversations with people we trust and care about and being honest about wanting to learn more and do more about our shame is a good step.